Working for almost 20 years as a Mental health worker for the local authority, NYCC and The NHS, I often thought I understood mental illness. It wasn’t until I became very ill myself in early 2010 that I realised I actually knew nothing at all.

A long term relationship had ended and I really struggled to come to terms with that. A bitter battle over the house and belongings ensued, and without realising it I became significantly depressed. My Ex partner and her Solicitor deemed me a risk to my own children and all contact was lost with them.

Sitting in the house which was once a family home, all alone with nothing but my thoughts, things got gradually worse and worse. An endless set of negative thoughts came to me. Go and hang yourself in the loft became one thought that would just not subside. It was with me night and day and kept me awake most nights for weeks.

I was just about clinging onto reality and managing somehow to go to work. Im not sure if my colleagues realised, but I really was not coping at all. Then over the Bank Holiday weekend things really came to a head. Im not sure what day or what time it was but I took myself to the New Bridge in Whitby with the intention of jumping off.

I had decided that I could not hang myself as that would be simply to traumatic for the person who found me. God knows how I thought fishing a body out the river would be any body. But so Irrational were my thoughts back then, thats what I was thinking.

I sat for a while on the ledge at the other side of the railings and a huge sense of calm came over me. Everything was quiet and it was as if the world had just stopped. I stood up and looked down, Im not sure to this day what stopped me from jumping. Some time later I remember a Taxi Driver turning up. I don’t recall what he looked like or what he said, other than him offering me a cigarette.

It was the Police who finally got me to come back over the railings. I broke down in the back of the police car. Sobbing in tears. I was then put in an Ambulance and taken to Scarborough Hospital where I was assessed by The Mental health Workers there, my own colleagues, they were fantastic.

When I asked what the situation was, it was suggested to me that I should go to a Mental Health Hospital on a Voluntary Basis. I recall being told that if I didn’t go then I would be assessed under the Mental health act with a possibility of being forced to go to hospital against my will.

I decided that Hospital was probably the easiest option. I was shattered both physically and Mentally. I was taken to a brand new hospital in Middlesbrough. Only opened 2 weeks earlier, Rosebury park was where I ended up. The staff told me they had taken me there as it would offer more privacy for me given that I often worked at the hospital in Scarborough and most of the staff were my colleagues.

My bedroom was a small clinical room with nothing in the way of amenities really. A bed, a toilet and a shower. Nothing else was allowed, especially anything you could harm yourself with.

My bags were checked and anything I could potentially harm myself with such as razors were taken by the staff for safe keeping.

I remember being hugely frightened and the Hospital being very very bright inside. I was given some tablets by a nurse and I think it was the best part of 24 hours before I actually recall waking up again. I think at that point in time I hadnt slept at all for about 4 days, and hadn’t had more than a few hours sleep in over a week. I had a member of staff assigned to me for several days and they came with me everywhere I went, even to the toilet where they stood outside but could see in to make sure I was ok.

Ninety Nine percent of the staff were excellent and helped in any way they could. One nurse however was not so helpful and actually suggested I wasn’t Ill and shouldn’t have been there. Thankfully the next day a colleague of mine who later became my Keyworker came to see me.

We had a discussion about depression and he helped me understand that I had every symptom on the check list. Unable to sleep, intrusive thoughts about harming myself, loss of interest in life, loss of appetite etc etc etc.

On and off I spent several weeks at the Hospital with some brief stays at home in between. I was put on medication for depression which made me eat a lot and sleep a lot more, but my mood just would not improve.

I still had endless thoughts about killing myself. I had planned to break a mug in the hospital to use as a sharp edge, to then cut the cables on the tv or radio to electrocute myself with. Whilst on stays at home I had also planned to gas myself in the car with a hose pipe from the exhaust.

Going back to the old family home was just not helping at all, and thankfully another worker spoke to my cousin who let me go and stay at their home.

I really do think that was quite a turning point. Although I still felt very depressed I was no longer faced with all the memories of the children growing up and all the happy times spent with them.

Back at the hospital I explained I was feeling no better, and the Psychiatrist there, a very understanding Scottish lady explained she would like to try a form of treatment using 2 antidepressants. She explained that her guidelines were to try a single anti depressant first and then add a second if the patient did not improve within 4 to 6 weeks.

The addition of the second tablet was like a miracle. Inside of a few weeks I felt significantly better. Although in no ways back to normal, my mood had lifted enough to be able to at least start to enjoy some music and some time out with friends.

Kayaking and Photography were what got me through the rest of the year. With the help of the mental health team, friends and family I managed to patch my life back together. It was no easy task and I now know just exactly what Mental illness is. Depression is a cruel horrid disease, I really can not imagine many things worse and would not wish it on anyone, not even my worst enemy in life.

It was six months before the Doctor signed me off sick and I went back to work. I remember my immediate manager at the time was an absolute rock. Anything she could do to help she did. I believe she still works for the NHS. They are lucky to have her.

I think it was even longer before my ex partner allowed me to see the Children. But slowly we rebuilt the relationship with my kids. I imagine they don’t realise but it was the children that I hung on for.

I now had my own flat, and although it was tough I set about rebuilding a life. Cooking was fun, I remember trying to work out how to cook Corn On the Cob. Up until that point, food had arrived on the family table every night after work. I hadn’t a clue how it was cooked. To be honest, I was totally useless..

I filled my time by visiting friends or going out with my camera. Slowly, Photography became a bigger and bigger part of my life, and I think the enjoyment it gave me was what dragged me through the next few years.

During Fishing Holiday with friends, It became apparent I enjoyed the photography more than my lifelong passion of angling. Then in 2015 I lost my job in Mental health. In truth, I was sacked for perhaps being a little more honest with the bosses than I should have been. Looking back the job had become almost unbearable.

Not that I didn’t love working with the patients, but the office politics were becoming ridiculous. Endless Memos from a secession of Idiot managers, the final straw really being when we were told we were no longer allowed to laugh in the office, and we also got a memo not long after complaining that someone had left the Photocopier on overnight.

There were people dieing or attempting to end their lives and all the beauocrats could think about was the small amount of electric the photocopier used on the single night some poor person accidentally forgot to turn it off. A blame culture swept through the building and staff were left demoralised and working long unpaid hours just to keep a job.

I believe I was sacked for a whistle blowing incident and my part in this video. My ex bosses would probably like you to believe different.

At that point in time I hit another low. Out of work, going nowhere, it was a close friend who suggested I set up a Photography business. I remember saying to Mel at the time “I’m not good enough, and noone buys photographs anyway”

It was another friend, Betty Wilson who started to fill me with Belief. “You are a Professional photographer” You must tell people that, and you must believe it.” “Also you have to charge for what you do” she would say

Three years later it appears they were right. People do like my Photographs and seem to want to buy them and support what I’m doing.

It has ben a long hard slog to get my business to where I am today. There have been many times I could have just thrown the towel in. But the thing that keeps me going is my love of Capturing local scenes and sharing them with all the people who love Whitby, Yorkshire and its Wildlife.

Some of my greatest joys in life have come whilst I have been out with the camera. there is nothing better than capturing a picture of a Peregrine Falcon flying along our coastline, or watching 4 babies owls start a new life in our National Park. Sunrises and sunsets are just stunning here in Whitby, and surely have to be significantly better for your mental health than sitting home watching Love Island or whatever the latest craze is.

I have to admit there have been many dark days, and I have to say that mornings can be tough for me with quite dark thoughts coming through from time to time. But spending time outdoors with the camera, with friends and with nature really is the best medicine you can get.

Getting out with the camera not only gives me a reason to exist, but it also provides me with exercise most days of the week. Along with exposure to sunlight, exercise really can be beneficial to everyone with depression. Research backs it up, and doctors prescribe it alongside tablets. If your not a Gym type person and you love the great outdoors, grab that Camera and get out there.

I am now a Self Employed Freelance Photographer. My Journey has taken me all over the local area, I have photographs published in papers and magazines across the world. I have featured on BBC Coutryfile twice and also on BBC Coast. I am also currently helping The BBC with an 18 month project looking at life inside the local National Park.

Having a purpose, a reason to get up and go out is what keeps me well. I believe photography and nature have become my new Antidepressant.

Long may that continue.